It has been a while and so far very little progress has been made on our second adoption. We do have a fundraiser David is heading up this Saturday, maybe, I have been trying to let him alone to run this but he doesnt do things the wayng I would and it is killing me lol. I keep asking if this or that has been done but the answer is always no or oh ya I should do that! Ahhhhhhh :)
Anyway, we are getting a slower start than the last time and that stresses me out... because to me it is already my child waiting for me and I hate that I cant make things go faster. I know it will happen and I know God has a plan, and timing and all of that. I think struggles in my life are making it harder to be positive and encouraged. I had to apologize to a sweet friend for being more negative than positive in reaction to a problem that came up in her life. I should have been a reminder of what I know God is doing and assured her that God had it all under control but right now my heart is just sad. We have a situation in our family that has broken my heart in ways I never thought possible. I have been sad and angry and hurt. It (and other things) has made me questioning everything I have ever been taught. I am working hard to find my way to the truth of who God is, not who man has said He is.. Not what religion says... religion has brought guilt and condemnation and shame far to often. I want God.. I want to sit in His lap and cry and ask the questions I need answers to, I need to know what GOD says is truth. Not the "why did this happen to us kind" but the "God is this thing that I thought was true, really you" kind. I am struggling, and who I am has been buried under all of this stuff. I have not been the woman of God I want to be lately... or the mother I should be, and that brings its own guilt. So I need prayer... and friendship, not judgement... I have gotten too much of that already from many people who have no idea who I really am. For those of you who know me, I love to be around people, in the center of things laughing and getting to know people. I love God with all I am and am super passionate about worshipping Him. I have always been faithful to church and working every chance I get to help do things there. I never thought I would turn into someone who avoids that... for many reasons. So much has happened since we moved back home and my faith in others has been radically shaken, but that is not the only thing, I have just begun to shrivel up. Anyway... all of that has slowed us down. I need to be in a better place before I bring another priceless treasure into our home... I am not stopping just not rushing the process. I need the time. Yet that to brings guilt... because time in an orphanage or without parents is not what my child needs.
In other news, Ariana's second implant is working very well, better than the first. We have a test scheduled for Wednesday to see if they can give us anymore info as to why. If we cannot get it figured out then a 3rd surgery to re-implant the first side will be the only option. She also got glasses a couple weeks ago, and she is adorable in them. She loved them at first, now I can say she likes them. It has been a challenge to get her implants to stay on with the glasses. She had been wearing a headband when she played but with the glasses it is too much pressure on the sides of her head. So I tried a few things and did alot of research. I came back around to my original idea. I used those small plastic pony tail holders and looped them around twice and slid it over the arm of her glasses. Works really well to keep them on but no fun if she has to change clothes (especially when shopping), or if her glasses need cleaning. We have had more behavioral stuff with her the last few weeks but it is probably due to her sensing the stress I feel. We had a big Thanksgiving at our house and it was nice to have the noise of family and friends to keep me from thinking about other things. Now there are far to many sweets in my house that need to be gotten rid of. :)
We are volunteering at a concert with other Show Hope familys in mid December. I am excited to be a part, to help spread awareness of adoption and to hopefully encourage others to become Show Hope sponsers. This ministry has helped so many kids make their way home to their forever families. I love adoption and all it means. I dont think I will ever want to stop bringing kids home, whether it is here or to other homes. Sigh...
So.......... that is my all to honest blog, and believe it or not I held back soooo much more. Please say a prayer for my family, and especially for my oldest baby girl. God knows exactly what is needed.
Thanks for reading... and caring about our little family
Love, Kathy
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