An all too honest update...

It has been a while and so far very little progress has been made on our second adoption.  We do have a fundraiser David is heading up this Saturday, maybe, I have been trying to let him alone to run this but he doesnt do things the wayng I would and it is killing me lol.  I keep asking if this or that has been done but the answer is always no or oh ya I should do that! Ahhhhhhh :) 

Anyway, we are getting a slower start than the last time and that stresses me out... because to me it is already my child waiting for me and I hate that I cant make things go faster.  I know it will happen and I know God has a plan, and timing and all of that.  I think struggles in my life are making it harder to be positive and encouraged.  I had to apologize to a sweet friend for being more negative than positive in reaction to a problem that came up in her life.  I should have been a reminder of what I know God is doing and assured her that God had it all under control but right now my heart is just sad.  We have a situation in our family that has broken my heart in ways I never thought possible.  I have been sad and angry and hurt.  It (and other things) has made me questioning everything I have ever been taught.  I am working hard to find my way to the truth of who God is, not who man has said He is.. Not what religion says... religion has brought guilt and condemnation and shame far to often.  I want God.. I want to sit in His lap and cry and ask the questions I need answers to, I need to know what GOD says is truth. Not the "why did this happen to us kind" but the "God is this thing that I thought was true, really you" kind. I am struggling, and who I am has been buried under all of this stuff. I have not been the woman of God I want to be lately... or the mother I should be, and that brings its own guilt.  So I need prayer... and friendship, not judgement... I have gotten too much of that already from many people who have no idea who I really am.  For those of you who know me, I love to be around people, in the center of things laughing and getting to know people. I love God with all I am and am super passionate about worshipping Him. I have always been faithful to church and working every chance I get to help do things there. I never thought I would turn into someone who avoids that... for many reasons.  So much has happened since we moved back home and my faith in others has been radically shaken, but that is not the only thing,  I have just begun to shrivel up. Anyway... all of that has slowed us down.  I need to be in a better place before I bring another priceless treasure into our home... I am not stopping just not rushing the process.  I need the time. Yet that to brings guilt... because time in an orphanage or without parents is not what my child needs.

In other news, Ariana's second implant is working very well, better than the first.  We have a test scheduled for Wednesday to see if they can give us anymore info as to why.  If we cannot get it figured out then a 3rd surgery to re-implant the first side will be the only option.  She also got glasses a couple weeks ago, and she is adorable in them.  She loved them at first, now I can say she likes them.  It has been a challenge to get her implants to stay on with the glasses. She had been wearing a headband when she played but with the glasses it is too much pressure on the sides of her head.  So I tried a few things and did alot of research. I came back around to my original idea.  I used those small plastic pony tail holders and looped them around twice and slid it over the arm of her glasses.  Works really well to keep them on but no fun if she has to change clothes (especially when shopping), or if her glasses need cleaning. We have had more behavioral stuff with her the last few weeks but it is probably due to her sensing the stress I feel.  We had a big Thanksgiving at our house and it was nice to have the noise of family and friends to keep me from thinking about other things.  Now there are far to many sweets in my house that need to be gotten rid of. :) 

We are volunteering at a concert with other Show Hope familys in mid December.  I am excited to be a part, to help spread awareness of adoption and to hopefully encourage others to become Show Hope sponsers.  This ministry has helped so many kids make their way home to their forever families. I love adoption and all it means.  I dont think I will ever want to stop bringing kids home, whether it is here or to other homes.  Sigh...

So.......... that is my all to honest blog, and believe it or not I held back soooo much more.  Please say a prayer for my family, and especially for my oldest baby girl.  God knows exactly what is needed.

Thanks for reading... and caring about our little family
Love, Kathy

Shock...

You would think by now I would not be shocked by the cost of international adoption... but in reviewing the new fees we have to pay and the fact that several have gone up or been added that are over a thousand dollars each... I AM SHOCKED.  I am not gonna lie, it makes me mad... mad that people dont seem to care that they are adding more pressure and making it more difficult for families to walk through this process.  I will not let this deter me, I will do what I have been called to do... WITH GODS help... but this process needs an overhaul.  Someone needs to take a look at what adoption agencies are charging and what it really costs.  I have some investigating to do, and then we will make a decision about whether we will stay with this agency or not... and I never thought I would be saying that, because I love the people we have worked with.

God please give us wisdom and direction...

Adoption...

I have been trying so hard to wait a little while to announce the news, but I just cant.... WE ARE ADOPTING AGAIN! I am trying to contain myself as it is far to early to be this anxious.  We are locking down a homestudy agency.  We cannot use our previous one due to China changing some regulations.  So Leah who knows us well and could write our homestudy quickly cant do it. :( We have found an agency we want to use and now need to see if they will sign a cooperative agreement with Childrens home. I want to move so quickly lol. I need to get a grip because I am in for a long trip.... But standing at the begining is so different this time.  We are wiser, we know the process and we know what to expect. Although it is funny what we have already forgotten, in talking to Merissa (my friend adopting from Philippines) I find myself looking up paperwork to remember how and when things happened. 

We knew we wanted to adopt again, but weren't sure when we would start, but thanks to Merissa and a beautiful little girl named Gabrielle we got a kick start.  Gabrielle is already matched with a family, but she now shares in our legacy because she is the face that got us to move.  Please pray for us as we start a new journey, we have so many days to go and so much money to raise, but I walk this journey with a different kind of faith, I know God did this once and I know He will do it again.  We have new friends and connections and we have new ideas. 

To all of you that watched last time, and have said you have thought about adoption, what are you waiting for? Come with us... your little one is waiting, their spirit is crying out... can you hear them? 

I cannot wait to see Ariana with her little sister... she is out there somewhere and we are looking and praying for God to direct us to her... I love that I can now say I have four precious children... sigh... God you are beautiful, thank you for allowing us to bring home another one of your precious gifts...

Kathy

Gotcha Day!

I will never forget the moment I saw you in person for the first time.  As you popped out of the van in your sweet little way and made your way through the crowd to wrap your arms around the leg of the Auntie that made you feel safest. No one had to point you out, I knew your face, I had studied it, prayed over it, I knew your dimples and the curves of your sweet cheeks.  Everything we had done, all the work, all the tears, all the struggle had lead us to this one moment.  I didnt know how it would play out, if I could hold you right away, or if you would fight it, but when I laid eyes on you, instinct took over, and I knew, a thousand soldies could not have kept me from sweeping you up, from wrapping you in my arms and loving you with all I have. Daddy and I love you, more than life itself.  We would walk this journey a thousand times over to get to you.  You are our princess. You are priceless, and you are ours.

This last year has been full of so many things,  we have had ups and downs, struggles, doctors visits and surgeries,we have had a million firsts but mostly we have had love, love that only multiplied over and over when you came to us.  You are our daughter, and it is as if the hand of God created you as a perfect match for us.  You are so much like us all.  You have no idea the lives you have touched, and how many more sweet babies will have homes because someone met you.  You are silly and funny and such a princess... you are stubborn and strong willed and oh so beautiful.  When you smile that full big beautiful dimply smile, the world is a happy beautiful place.  Thank you God for this blessing, for all of my children and how you have so wonderfully woven us all together.  Thank you for cousins and Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents.... family... thank you God for this crazy messy beautiful family!

My Babies

Shopping with Daddy

My babies went shopping with Dad for Mothers day and I got lonely so this is the pic he sent... love them so...

Awakening...again

Hello everyone, it has been along time since my last post.  I have been walking through some of the toughest and most amazing months of my life.  Ariana is beautiful and smart and funny and stubborn and strong willed and she fits into our family perfectly.  I have had moments where tears of joy flowed and some tears of frustration.  See this little princess has had 3 and a half years to set  patterns in her life, and I have only had 8 months to teach her she doesn't need her habits of comfort anymore.  We have had ups and downs, she will do really well for a while and then regress and try everything for a period.  We have made mistakes already and we have tried many things only for them to not work with her.  It isn't any easier than guiding a birth child through the terrible twos, and definitely not any harder than walking through the teen years with two stubborn kiddos. :) I guess what I am saying is, this is an amazing process, and adoption is beautiful and I believe so close to Gods heart, but it is not all rainbows and fairy dust.  It is however worth every single second. 

That said, we are doing so well, adjusting and learning and teaching, and surviving the long trail of doctors appointments.  I love watching Ariana with her family, seeing the love and kindness she gets from her big brother and sister, and I cant help but laugh as they fuss at each other.  I totally need to post a video of Ariana and Ashlyn going at it... Ashlyn has definitely met her match lol. All I can think about is how 8 months ago Ariana didn't even know her name let alone be able to tell someone off. So yes I enjoy her even when she is trying to boss the world, because it is beautiful to me that she is not living in silence anymore. This child was born to be heard, born to defend and love, and God knew it, so he gave her a home and a voice.... sigh, He is beautiful.

I had an awakening today.  As I responded to a post I realized that I had begun to allow circumstances to silence me.  I too have a (loud) voice and God placed in my heart a passion for these babies.  I have gotten weighed down by life and business and forgot that I have a job to do.  So forgive me as I stand up and dust myself off and do what I am suppose to.  I am going to do the best I can to give a voice to those who have no voice, I want to put there little faces and stories out there and make sure that they are heard, they are crying out for a mothers arms, and the protection of a father... they need us, and we need them.  So I pray that God help me and show me how I can do exactly that.  I am going to begin by speaking with my Pastor... (so Pastor Brian if you or Krista are reading this... get ready :) ) I want to share our story, and I need a bigger platform,  I want to take some steps to get orphans and adoption information out there. So pray for me, pray God give me the words to say and the wisdom to know when and how to say it.  Pray He show me open doors, and that my words will be His.  I don't want my passion to be what people hear, I want them to hear Gods heart. I want to be used to plant and water His seeds, because mine will shrivel and die, but His will blossom and grow.  So ya... just pray :)

Thanks for listening and for praying...

Kathy